Kollar's Lost Again!

Japan At War? not likely. the last time japan was at war they...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 23:19:00 +0900

several puppies were kicked in the making of this post

how could you want to fight with that?

seriously i just want to take one home and put a leash on her

long sleeve gloves make you look stupid...especially in the summer

okay she's pretty hot

Japan At War?

not likely. the last time japan was at war they got kicked in the face by a dude named doug. since then japan’s been a pretty peaceful nation. but while the rest of the world’s nations are killing each other off, what makes japan so seemingly content? surely there must be some place they want to invade, with peoples they want to kick out and kill off. everyone’s doing it. hell, america does it all the time without even being provoked. it’s our tradition. we’ve been doing it from the very beginning and the injuns weren’t even talkin’ shit. it’s like…our thing.

so what gives, japan? why can’t you be more angry like the rest of us? for a nation that prides itself on conformity, you sure are dropping the ball on this one.

doesn’t anyone ever get mad in japan? the answer to that ridiculous question is, of course, “no.” it’s true. no one ever gets mad. social etiquette dictates that it’s impolite to get upset about anything. yeah…it’s considered rude to get angry. actually i’m pretty sure it’s against the law. the japanese are expected to push any budding feelings of anger and discontent way down deep to a place that they never ever talk about. that’s healthy, right?

i couldn’t believe it myself, so i began a series of experiments to put japanese manners to the test. i started by simply bumping into people in public…kinda hard too. the only response i’d get was “sumimasen,” a japanese word that means excuse me, i’m sorry, and, in some cases, thank you. they apologized to me for blatantly bumping into them!!! it occurred to me that maybe they believed it was an accident, so i upped my game a bit. i did my best to kick puppies whenever possible. still no good. the owners would again apologize and lightly scold their pet as if to blame it for getting in the way of my foot. i was left with no other option but to push an old lady down while getting onto the train in the morning. i even felt bad about it too until she got up, APOLOGIZED and then BOWED to me! the next logical steps would have been to burn a house down or kill someone but i had to draw the line somewhere. i mean, i didn’t want to be rude.

but what about those that can’t keep it all bottled up? well, those people simply go for a train ride. they don’t exactly ride the train so much as they jump in front of it. japan has one of the highest rates of suicide of any country in the word. there have been over 30,000 suicides per year in japan for 15 years straight. this is a rate of approximately one suicide every 15 minutes. this equates to 26 suicides per 100,000 people in japan compared to the US which has 11 suicides per 100,000 people.

of the various ways in which one might choose to off his or herself, diving in front of a moving train seems to be the preferred method. and as luck would have it, the train line i use to get to and from work everyday is my city’s most popular train for taking one’s last bow (see what i did there?). i have, on several occasions, had to sit on a parked train for over an hour while they hosed some poor bastard off the windshield. and in a country where people hate to be late for anything, you’d think the passengers would get mad, wouldn’t you? of course they don’t.

i recently learned that the rail companies will actually charge families of jumpers a fee depending on the severity of the traffic disruption. one can’t help but wonder if jumpers whispers an apology to the train before coming to a sticky end.

what about international tensions? well there is certainly plenty of that. it turns out that, without exception, ALL asian countries hate each other. FACT. while the west has taken an “all look same” attitude toward asian peoples (i don’t know what ‘s more entertaining…this quiz or the mouth-breather narating it), the asians themselves discriminate with extreme prejudice. and the japanese are no exception. as elitists, they rank themselves highest among tiny people for a myriad of reasons that i won’t get into because, frankly…no one cares.

but japan’s imperialistic maneuvers came to a mysterious halt at the end of WWII. contrary to popular belief however, it is not because japan doesn’t have armed forces. japan does in fact maintain a military. the problem is that there are no weapons in japan. the japanese citizen doesn’t enjoy the right to bear arms and since most people aren’t angry to begin with, the military doesn’t use firearms either. instead the armed forces fight with nothing but chopsticks. what’s more is that the japanese military is made up entirely of women because…well..they’re just so much cuter (see above).

so how are conflicts resolved? the answer to that can be summed up in one simple word…”janken.” janken is the japanese name for the rock-paper-scissors game. those of you who aren’t familiar with rock-paper-scissors, please stop reading this now and and kill yourself. you’ll be doing the world a favor. i hear jumping in front of a train is proven to be effective.

the janken game is used literally everyday by everyone from toddlers to the elderly. it’s used to determine anything from who gets the last piece of food, to the order in which people will do any given task or activity. the game is so commonly used to resolve any type of dispute that young children are able to calculate winners, losers or a draw among a large group of participants in a split second. however, the most remarkable thing about the janken game in japan is that no matter what is on the line or how passionate any players are about the outcome…once the game is played and the winner is determined, there is no grumbling whatsoever. it’s immediately done and forgotten and everyone moves on without giving it a second thought.

as a foreigner i find it frustrating to live in a country where people are never to express their feelings of frustration. as an american from the northeast, i find it downright infuriating. it makes me want to throw japanese people in front of trains. but alas, i have to tow the line. after all, i am a guest and i have to be respectful of their culture. i’m not sure how much more i can take before i blow my top though. one thing is for sure, i won’t be practicing my swan dive in front of a moving train. more than likely i’ll be on a one-way ticket back to the land of rape and honey where i can carry a gun, and take a proper ass whipping the next time i push an old lady down on the train.

i wonder how much longer i can last…

back in the city… well, it’s been a while since i posted on...

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 12:03:00 +0900

nagoya castle

downtown nagoya

view from nagoya castle

typical everyday scene

the world's largest planetarium

the pelican

plush bathroom accessories

and he's got multiple sets

armed with extendable lint roller

back in the city…

well, it’s been a while since i posted on here. to anyone who has been waiting (doubtful) and those that have simply been trying to forget, i uniformly apologize. about 3 months ago i relocated. i opted to once again leave the relative comforts of home that i had spent the last year fashioning. i packed up and said ‘sayonara’ to my friends, students and schools in the japanese countryside and headed for the big city of Nagoya.

companies like mine don’t give a lot of consideration to location requests when hiring from outside of japan. they give preference to teachers with seniority or expats already living in those areas. so most teachers like me, get stationed in remote rural areas when they first arrive. this has it’s benefits. in reality, one rural town is just as good as any other. foreigners get a taste of everyday japan and there is an abundance of local or neighboring events taking place at all times of year. while they remains a relatively minute part of the population, there are still plenty of expat teachers all over japan to keep each other company. as is the case in any country, those expats find each other quickly and often band together. so no one is really isolated unless they allow themselves to be. anyone who’s seen my photos from the last year can see what i mean.

another benefit of living in the country is that it makes it easier to learn japanese since there are far less english speakers. make no mistake about it though, it’s an extremely difficult language and it’s very unlikely that one would pick it up just by living here. the japanese are debilitatingly shy and most wouldn’t dare correct even the simplest mistakes, but instead opt to praise how well you speak even if you know only a few words. learning to speak japanese takes a lot of hard work and i’ve seen firsthand that you only get out of it what you put in. in my case, i spent my last three months in the country studying very hard and it paid dividends. however, i haven’t studied a bit since i moved and not only have i not progressed, but i’ve also forgotten a good bit of what i previously learned. i digress

after missing city life for the last year, i requested a transfer. nagoya isn’t the most recognized of cities. it even remains fairly unknown to foreigners living in japan, which is exactly why i chose it. before and after being in japan, the overwhelming majority of teachers looking to relocate request tokyo and osaka. anticipating this and researching my company’s presence in major cities, i decided my chances were best with nagoya. it ranks as japan’s third largest city and its central location on the main island of Honshu makes it easy to travel anywhere in japan. in comparison, my former home on the island of Shikoko required sometimes two hours, and up to around $50 just to get to the nearest point in honshu before continuing on and paying more to get to your destination.

so here i am, back in the city. a few observations thus far…

i’ve made a terrible mistake – i’ve complained in the past about how expensive everything is in japan. well, the one thing i forgot to research before moving was the cost of living in nagoya. i’ve landed myself in the 4^th most expensive city in the world according to this article. to put it into perspective, new york ranks in at 49^th. coupled with the fact that my salary is comfortably below the poverty line in most developed countries, it’s safe to say i’m f@cking broke! i thought i was struggling just to feed myself in the countryside. now it appears that i had it pretty good. at this point i’m completely tapping my paycheck out just to stay afloat. i tried selling my body for extra cash but i was barely able to make bus change…not to mention the emotional scars left behind from those 3 ½ minutes of hard work.

wheels – since selling my body wasn’t as lucrative as i’d hoped and because the minimum price for a subway or bus ride is roughly $2.50, i decided i should get myself some wheels (pictured above). i call her “the pelican.” she’s the first bike i’ve owned in 20 years and maybe the best purchase i’ve made since i’ve been in japan (aside from my couch). she’s helping me get to know the city, keeping me in better shape and saving me time and money.

thing are shaping up – the very tiny public gym in my former town left a lot to be desired. calling it outdated would have been an understatement. it looked like the gym where arnold schwarzenegger probably worked out in 1971 and it was filled with what i suspect was the same equipment. not only was everything in this gym old and dangerous, but it was all designed for users no taller than 5’8”. i’m happy to report that my city gym in nagoya is much more modern and well-equipped. it’s no Gold’s mind you, but at least the equipment was made for someone of a maximum size only a few inches shorter than me. compared to the country gym, the membership fee has risen from $7 to a whopping $20 per month, but i think i’ll survive. and this gym is close enough that i can bike or run there, so the only disadvantage now is that i’m pretty much out of excuses for being lazy and out of shape. one more thing…instead of the standard shitty gym pop that’s nauseated me for years, this gym plays nothing but oldies from the west making it better than any gym in history! ANYTHING is better than lady gaga. my god is she ugly!

back to school – new location, new job. like last year, i’m teaching at four elementary schools. but this year, no more junior high for me and i couldn’t be happier. no more pubescent brats making my life hell and driving me to drink on a weekly basis. my schools are great. the teachers are all friendly and far less shy than last year. there are some who speak a decent amount of english, several who are relatively young and even a few that are cute. my students are a lot of fun and there is even a handful of kids that for various reasons speak exceptional english. all of this spells more people who i am able to speak with throughout the day. as an added bonus, my contract this year affords me an obscene amount of paid time off which i plan on putting to good use. job-wise, i expect this year to be a whole lot more fun.

roommate – due to a ‘misunderstanding,’ the apartment i moved into placed me in a shared apartment. i’ve lived alone for years now. simply stated…i prefer it. who doesn’t? living alone is awesome. i’ve enjoyed living with roommates in the past but it was always with people i chose to live with. now i’ve been thrown together with a some clown from england of roughly the same age, who lives on mayonnaise sandwiches. and as luck would have it, he’s a neat freak who cleans EVERYDAY. he runs around with a dustpan and a lint roller getting noticeably irritated with any dust or hair that threatens to settle for even a moment. i can see everything i do making him nervous as he scans for any potential mess. despite his fastidiousness though, he has a strange affinity for adorning everything in our bathroom with plush accessories that harbor and breed germs like a furry petri dish.

as if that weren’t enough, he and his girlfriend use every opportunity to make sure i’m fully aware of their sex life. it seems i’m always ‘surprising’ them when i return home…always at the same time of day…to their semi-nude couch groping. and he never misses an opportunity to feign concern by asking, “i hope we weren’t making too much noise last night?” with an expectant look on his face as though he wants me to pat him on the back. yeah buddy…i remember the first time i regularly got laid too. i was over ten years younger and my girlfriend was almost as wretched as yours. get over yourself.

also worth noting: he seems to have no interest in music which i find untrustworthy and he’s got a big telescope that i’m fairly sure he uses to peep on other nearby apartments.

i can’t wait to move out!

anniversary

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 21:29:00 +0900

one year ago, i had just quit my job, sold everything i owned and was in the process of moving out of my apartment. after over a year of planning, i was about to move across the globe to another country. just as i was saying my goodbyes, a big wave hit japan killing thousands and causing a nuclear catastrophe. on every news program were images of death, destruction and people scrambling to escape the tiny island nation where i was headed. it seemed the gods and mother nature had conspired to send me a sign that said, “you must be out of your [expletive deleted] mind!”

the thought of being homeless and jobless was scary. the mere notion of returning to my former job (which probably wouldn’t take me back anyway) was horrifying. it was…a conundrum. so i did what any reasonable person would do when faced with perhaps the most important decision of their life. i went out the next day and got tattooed with my dad, then said “smell ya later!” the decision wasn’t without trepidation, but i felt that i had come too far to be turned away by a little radiation. besides, growing a tail and a third arm was a pleasant alternative to my last job.

with the anniversary of the tsunami, there’s a myriad of TV programs showing both the immediate aftermath and the current state of the region affected by the great wave. it makes me think of how i was feeling this time last year. last night i was at a dinner party with japanese friends and we realized it was the actual anniversary of the tsunami. i mentioned that i almost didn’t come because of what happened. my friend reached out his hand to shake mine and with a sincere look said, “thank you for coming.”

while i’m always homesick, i’m enjoying my life here and having lots of fun. quite honestly, my life is much simpler than it was a year ago. i miss my family and friends but i don’t miss a lot of the worries and stresses that i left behind. as i write this, i am preparing to move out of my apartment and leave the town i live in. i don’t yet have a job lined up and or a destination for my new home. there is a distinct possibility that i’ll be unemployed and homeless come april. am i worried about it? not really! i’ve got a 3-year visa and a japanese driver’s license. of course i won’t have a car come april but…minor details. i’ll figure something out. and besides, the cherry blossoms are starting to bloom! life ain’t bad. it might be time to get another tattoo…

japanese student: a case study as i said before, japanese...

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 01:04:00 +0900

japanicus ignoramus

uniforms

fashion sense

bowl cut

*stats: it's science

benjamin button - not socially promoted

camouflage

nondenominational christmas card

japanese hippies

japanese student: a case study

as i said before, japanese elementary schools are much the same as those in america. it’s the junior high school level where things become very different.

for a year now i’ve taught at both elementary and junior high schools. aside from teaching, i’ve spent a lot of time studying student behavior. there is most certainly plenty that i’ve missed due to my limited japanese, but as much as this impediment hinders me, i also believe that it’s given me a sense of perspective that might otherwise be difficult to duplicate anthropologically speaking. while i hear what’s going on, i don’t always understand it. this no doubt puts me at a disadvantage but it has allowed me to view people’s behavior very antiseptically as though they were animals. i can’t pretend to be fully objective. i’m not just an outside observer. i’m integrated into their school lives and i also have the misfortune of caring about many of them. however, my subjectivity has not made me their cheerleader. in fact, it’s quite the opposite.

again, i don’t know what i don’t know. i only know what i do know. that said, this is what i’ve seen. ladies and gentlemen, i give you…japanese student (japanicus ignoramus).

like many westerners, my preconceived image of japanese student was that of a well behaved, highly disciplined studying machine. that couldn’t be further from the truth.

japanese student comes to school on foot or by bicycle wearing the required uniform. besides their clothing, they have identical bicycles, helmets, and school bags as well. boys must have relatively short hair. girls with longer hair are required to keep it in pigtails or a ponytail. no one is allowed to have dyed hair or wear makeup, jewelry or accessories of any kind. the homogeneity quickly gives the observer the impression of discipline. a closer look however, shatters that image. many students continuously attempt to break uniform rules by untucking their shirts, unbuttoning their jackets and allowing under layers to poke out of their sleeves. their attempts are always noticed by vigilant teachers who are quick to order japanese student to correct the infraction. when japanese student inevitably refuses, the teacher will rectify the problem on their own. ironically, japanese student can often be found on weekends and holidays happily wearing the same uniforms they love to hate, even if they weren’t required to be anywhere near school.

side note: i have to admit, in retrospect, i think a uniform would have made school a bit easier. in high school i could have been unburdened by the pressure to maintain my status as a cutting edge fashion guru/trend setter (see above). the alleviated need to dress a certain way or worry about my outfit during the day might have allowed me to focus my awkwardness on more worthy and debilitating teenage insecurities. as an added benefit, i could have spared my classmates the agony of seeing my grateful dead t-shirts on a weekly basis. a uniform would have been the great equalizer. people might have seen me for who i really am rather than just a really cool guy with nice hair and a great sense of style. but i digress.

japanese education is only compulsory up through the end of 9^th grade. nationwide, as of 2010, 98.0% of junior high graduates continue on to high school and of those, 54.4% go on to the university level(* see above). but the road to graduating junior high school isn’t exactly grueling. japanicus ignoramus isn’t even required to obtain passing grades. yes, you read that correctly. advancement to the next grade level is decided entirely by virtue of growing older. japanese student is socially promoted no matter what, which makes it more about making the age than making the grade. with that said, ignoramuses who wish to attend high school are required to take high school entrance exams and they must apply to the high schools they want to attend. it’s much the same as applying to college albeit on a smaller scale and japanese student will commonly migrate as much as an hour by train to attend a particular high school within its area.

social promotion is common in the states but it’s usually used for the relatively few who are low achievers. inner city and problem schools aside, my comparisons are drawn between the enormous suburban schools that i attended as a wee lad and the relatively small country/suburban schools in which i now teach. my graduating class had roughly 750 students of which about 720 graduated (96%). as a teacher, i have 101 3^rd year junior high students, all of which will graduate. however, if their examination scores from English class (a required course) mattered, i’d say roughly 30-40% (the majority of which are male) wouldn’t have a prayer of graduating. and i’m being very generous with that figure. that means 30-40% that need to be socially promoted. in fact, the only thing that could possibly hinder japanese student from moving up a grade level is if it had benjamin button’s disease.

now i know my stats are shaky and one could probably research the sushi out of this issue more accurately. but the numbers aren’t exactly the point. all of this just helps me to make better sense of the stupendous amount of dunces i have in my classes. many of these ignoramuses are every bit as dumb as they are japanese. but even the stupidest of them catch on to the fact that their grades only count for so much. in the junior high school environment japanicus ignoramus experiences three phenomena, which have a profound impact on its behavior moving forward.

1. the junior high school environment requires japanese student to become mobile. those who hadn’t previously, now find themselves in possession of a bicycle. its primary purpose is for commuting to and from school. but now they are able to explore their habitat with more freedom and they gain exposure to more exciting experiences and adult-like stimuli from which they might have previously been sheltered.

2. japanese student has its first growth spurt. they make that first reach toward adulthood. and let’s face it, with the average japanese being small in stature to begin with, they don’t have to reach very far. gone are the days where their teacher might haul japanese student out into the hallways by the arm and give them a good scolding. if not on a maturity level then on a physical one, japanese student reckons to perceive the world eye to eye with adults. as a result, it no longer cares to fear its teachers, but would prefer to focus its time and energy on the insecurities and fears that arrived along with puberty.

3. japanicus ignoramus discovers that it now lives in a world without consequences. simply put, the school at which it spends the majority of its waking life is powerless to control japanese student.

a closer look:

its been said that one bad apple spoils the bunch. it should be noted that i have a great deal of students who are sweet, well behaved and a pleasure to teach. but about 1/3 of my apples are bad…rotten to the core and they poison even the best and brightest ignoramuses. now free to roam its new environment, japanicus ignoramus is a constant discipline problem. below are a few examples of why japan will never again rise to greatness as a world power:

1. japanese student has almost no responsibility whatsoever. the only thing expected of them is that they study. they are not lawfully permitted to have part-time jobs. no babysitting and no paper routes. and since it’s very common for mothers to be fulltime homemakers, they are rarely called upon even to take out the garbage. according to many of my students, most free time is spent, not studying, but playing portable video games.

2. skipping class – japanicus ignoramus has nothing keeping it in class. due to social promotion there is no need for them to actually learn anything. many of my ignoramuses (mostly boys) don’t come to class at all. instead they prefer to sneak off and smoke cigarettes and spend a good deal of time lingering outside in the cold hoping to catch the attention of students who are actually in class. one of my ignoramuses, who has to be one of the dumbest kids i’ve ever seen, insists on skipping the end of the day ten minute homeroom session, only to sit outside in the cold on his knees shivering and waiting for the rest of the students to finish up so they can leave together. that last ten minutes can be a real drag. way to be too cool for school dipshit!

3. nothing better to do – while most do attend class, for many it’s only for lack of anything better to do. often times japanese student isn’t interested in learning but rather distracting the rest of its contemporaries. i have several ignoramuses who find coming to class very worth their while if all of their time is spent doing everything they can to derail the teacher or distract others from learning anything at all.

4. outward defiance – the complete lack of personal responsibility can understandably be overwhelming. the absence of any type of real pressures finds japanicus ignoramus withdrawn and wanting only to be left alone in class. not only will they never raise their hands when participation is solicited, but japanese student has even developed some defense mechanisms to ward off predatory teachers.

a. camouflage - when called upon for an answer, japanese student will often sit perfectly still and silent hoping that its assailant will simply lose track of it in the sea of uniforms

b. playing dead – if its uniformed surroundings aren’t sufficient to avoid attack, japanese student will remain silent and motionless hoping that its teacher will simply lose interest. surprisingly, this often works with many teachers. i, on the other hand, love a good pissing contest and have opted to stand very near the possum-playing pubescent procrastinator and wait them out until they answer or cry. this may sound cruel, but i have to fill up time and i have to make it clear that no one fucks with Scotto sensei. it’s prison yard rules

c. safety in numbers – any teacher in japan has seen this tactic since day one. since japanicus ignoramus has been conditioned not to think for itself, it will almost without fail refer to a nearby member of the pack for even the simplest of questions…the most amusing of which being “what is your name?’ and ‘how are you?” i kid you not, japanese student almost always needs a second opinion or confirmation even to say its name or how it feels…questions that by now it has been answering in english for roughly 8 or 9 years

d. evasive maneuvers – to avoid engagement, japanese student will try to elude its predators. they will often turn their backs on the teacher and begin a loud conversation with another member of the pack anywhere in the room. if and when their teacher physically tries to turn them around, ignoramuses will often meet that threat with semi-violent and sometimes aggressive evasive action which at times gets ugly.

5. assault – aside from the dreaded “kancho,” about which i’ve posted here, i have been witness to and victim of what might be classified as assault in my native country. i have seen japanicus ignoramus push, wrestle and even punch teachers. on one occasion an ignoramus kicked a teacher in his…nether region, requiring the soon to be married teacher to be hospitalized. i myself have even been the victim of students’ assaults.

earlier in the school year one of my students thought it would be funny to punch yours truly in his happy place. needless to say, i wasn’t happy about it at all and instinct took over. i retaliated with an action that wasn’t altogether appreciated by the teacher with whom i had been teaching. i was subsequently reprimanded by my company for hanging the offending ignoramus out a third story window by his ankles. meanwhile nothing was done to japanese student for his infraction. but i’m a hockey player. i’ve been through worse. truth be told, i actually like the kid so i decided to brush it off.

fast forward to a couple months later. i had just returned to work from a brief hiatus due to a non-student related injury. i’ve got two bum legs and require crutches to move, but it’s christmas lesson day. my ignoramuses are crafting nondenominational holiday cards on recycled paper as i hobble around the room listening to the Elvis Christmas Album (thank you Kelley Ramer of 440) and thinking about my vacation that starts tomorrow! in short, i’m in a good mood. i make my way past the same ignoramus who almost met his end just months before. i let go of my crutch to shake his hand and he shakes it, and at the same time, the little sonofabitch delivers yet another blow to little Scotty and the twins. again, my reflexes kick in, but i’m on crutches, so i grab him by that bit of hair just in front of the ear that hurts when you pull up on it. but he shouts out “itai!” the japanese word for “painful.” so i check myself because the same teacher is nearby. i was pissed. i knew nothing would be done, other than perhaps a stern talking too. but aside from having to endure the boredom of a lecture, japanese student knows he won’t receive any real punishment. except however…he hasn’t taken me into account. i’ve decided to be patient and calculating. i WILL exact my revenge on him and when i do, it’ll be swift and ruthless…and you better believe i’ll write at least a line or two about it here!

which brings me to my final point…

6. no consequences – no matter what japanicus ignoramus does, it won’t be punished. if japanese student is disruptive, it can’t be sent out of class. under japanese law you would be denying its right to education despite japanese student denying the rest of its peers the same right. if you could dismiss them, there is no result. they don’t get detention, they aren’t kept after school. they are not denied the privilege of participating in sports and since they can’t have jobs they won’t be late for work. the best part is that if they break a serious law or commit a serious offense, there will be no legal recourse. as minors they enjoy complete immunity. in fact, when in trouble with the local authorities, the police will first and foremost call or contact japanese student’s TEACHER. that’s right…the teacher is called first at any hour of day or night. parents will only be called as a last resort. the teacher is expected to collect and deal with japanicus ignoramus for whatever it has done wrong and they experience no negative consequences for their actions other than being lectured. what’s more is that blame for japanese student’s misbehavior will be assigned to the teacher by family and society alike.

what it all means:

what it means is:

a. when you have a rapidly aging society where the population is expected to decrease by 30% in the next 50 years (a decrease of more than 40 million people) and a young generation completely lacking in personal responsibility with no desire to do things according to the out-of-date old-style japanese customs…you’ve got serious social upheaval on the horizon. my guess is that within the next 20 years or so, you’re going to see a major social revolution, much like that in the US in the 60s and 70s. or…

b. the japanese education system is so inherently flawed that i dare not breach such a subject in my blog. this one already gotten out of hand. or…

c. it might just mean that junior high japanese students are a huge pain in my hole.

Post Script:

at the time of this post, the aforementioned teacher who was hospitalized for being kicked in the genitals has very recently celebrated his nuptials and has since been seen at school in good spirits. i have to assume his wedding tackle is in order and functioning adequately.

as for the incident with the student that, not once but twice, punched me in the magic beans, there’s been a recent development…

last week i had to administer a final oral interview test [insert joke here] to my 8^th graders. this entailed me sitting at a small student desk in the cold hallway while asking students a few painfully easy questions from a list of 15, which they already have. there are no surprises other than MY surprise at just how easily my ignoramuses still manages to do poorly even when the answers have been spoon-fed. i swear these kids could f up a wet dream.

anyway, there i am freezing in the hallway just trying to get through all the ignoramuses in time and who comes around the corner but my little buddy. it’s mid-class period so no one is around in the hallways. i say “hello” as he approaches (the interview has begun). he responds in kind as i stand to greet him. i extend my right hand for a shake, which he accepts, and without even a second of thought, i bury my left fist into his crotch with an authoritative blow. his knees give out and he slumps down into the chair behind him as i steady him with the right hand i’m still holding. shamefully i have to admit that i hit him hard enough to drop a grown man, but this was a long time coming and he deserved it. while doubled over he looks up at me and i say one word…”revenge.” he nods his head knowingly and straightens up in his chair still clutching his junk. i take his paper and give him a perfect score. he looks at it, gives a sly glance back at me, painfully smiles and says, “thank you.” the little bastard took it like a man. i was proud of him. as he limps around the corner, i smugly mutter to myself, “OWNED.”

turning japanese i have acquired my japanese driver’s...

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:57:54 +0900

noob sticker

noob sticker

turning japanese

i have acquired my japanese driver’s license. some highlights:

passed the insanely difficult driving test on the first try, apparently making me only the second foreigner in the history of my island to accomplish said task. begging, bribing and sexual favors were the keys to my success
i’m NOT permitted to drive stick (ha!) the license only allows for automatic. i’ve never even seen a stick shift in this country
the japanese have decided i was born in ‘53. i think they’re just jealous of the beard
i am no longer an organ donor. my organs won’t fit the japanese [insert penis joke here]
street cred: i’m no longer required to carry my foreign registration card (gaijin card). nor can police inquire about my nationality…so i guess that’s a bonus
since my domestic license had been renewed less than a year before arriving in japan, i am designated as a “newbie” for a year from issue date of my new japanese license, which makes perfect sense since i’ve been legally driving in japan for almost a year at this point with no violations or accidents

noob status requires drivers to display a conspicuous sticker on their car identifying them as such. i lied and said i didn’t have a car. it’s bad enough that i’m a 59 year old with a junior license. i can’t bare the shame of having that sticker on my already embarrassingly small car. it makes me feel like i’m 16 again…having to endure the endless abuse from friends for failing my driving test TWICE before i could get the paralel parking right. not to mention having my mom drive me on dates. there’s an awkward goodnight kiss! so for another year i’m not to indulge in any alcohol, drugs, sex after twelve or any other illegal activity…which probably won’t be to difficult since it’s hard for 59 year old junior licensees to get dates anyway. i bet it probably forbids me from texting while driving too. fascists!

first graders japanese elementary schools are much the same as...

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:11:00 +0900

hello, i'm your teacher

kiss your future goodbye

can i borrow some money?

my favorite student

still taller on my knees

sacrificing the body

peace sign for the kids' sake

godzilla green might be a poor choice

first graders

japanese elementary schools are much the same as those in america. they play games, sing songs, make artwork and learn basic skills in a generally fun way. for the most part they’re too young to find school tiresome or question how they’d prefer to spend their time. this is a nice juxtaposition to japanese junior high schools where puberty is starting to kick in, they aren’t quite sex crazed yet, but they’re defiant and awkwardly trying to figure out how they fit in. i’ll write more about those turds at a later date.

japanese law now requires 5^th and 6^th graders in elementary schools to learn english. while most of my time in elementary schools is spent with those 5^th and 6^th graders, the other grades rotate in and out. in larger schools that rotation takes a while and today i found myself teaching one of my first grade classes for only the second time in almost eight months. while that may seem unfair, keep in mind there is only so much Scott-sensei to go around and let’s face it, without serious constant exposure to english, 7 year olds don’t retain much anyway. they’re still throwing tantrums, learning how to tie their shoes and shitting their pants on the playground. that being said, they’re giggly, cute as hell and a lot of fun to play games with when you’re a giant.

japanese students of all elementary grades love playing in class and i’m continually amazed at how much they enjoy the simplest of games. something about competing against their fellow classmates really makes them rise to the challenge regardless of age or intelligence. they love to win…sometimes at great personal risk. i’ve watched kids run themselves into walls, trip each other, push, shove and even fight just to score a point in a game. they’ll stop at nothing to win the point even if it means sacrificing themselves.

one wildly popular game that any teacher or student in japan is sure to be familiar with is karuta, which simply means card game. the cards are a set of vocabulary words (numbers, foods, animals, etc.) which the teacher calls out one-at-a-time and students, either in groups or teams race to slap their hand down on the matching card. sometimes the students form groups that each get a set of cards and others times i split the entire class into two teams and have a student from each team race to slap the flashcard on the board. sounds simple, right?

a few months ago i was teaching “like” and “don’t like” to a 5^th grade class and i decided to reward their efforts with some sports karuta. my rules dictated that students would repeat sentences starting with “I like…,” and when they heard one that started with “I don’t like…” they would race to slap the corresponding sports card on the board.

many elementary school blackboards in japan have a handle on the bottom that allows them to be raised and lowered. being far above average height, i am forced to raise it as high as possible. otherwise i leave myself susceptible to an unwelcome kancho. on this particular day a little girl ran to the board, jumped to reach a highly placed card, slammed herself into the blackboard and dropped like a sac of potatoes. the height of the board was such that the sill which holds the chalk and erasers was rib level. she got up slowly cradling her ribcage and hobbled away slowly. one of the teachers had to take her to the school nurse because she was in so much pain. as a hockey player it made me proud to see her sacrifice the body like that. i was half tempted to reward her with a slap on the ass and a “good game!” but i’m doing my best to stay out of japanese prison. the upside is, she won the point and was a hero to her teammates.

now anyone who’s ever met me before knows i’m nothing short of a lying cheating swine. so it should come as no surprise to hear that, when it comes to the games played in my classes, even if i’m not playing, the fix is in. more often than not i make sure to keep the score close or at least interesting. i’ll call out the keyword when i know only one of them is paying attention. i’ll pick a card that’s closer to one student so they can get to it first. i accept gifts and bribes. hell, i’ve even gone as far as to step on a kid’s foot or trip them to get the outcome i want. listen, it’s all about what they can prove and let’s face it…no one listens to little kids anyway.

i know what you’re thinking…”this guy is one hell of a teacher!” what can i say, i’m good with kids. although they look cute and innocent, you can’t let these little animals out of your sight for even a second or it’s pure chaos. they can drain your energy quickly. i honestly don’t know how their regular teacher spends an entire day with them. so i find it’s always best to control anything that can be controlled.

today i was teaching colors to 1^st graders. it’s only our second class together so they’re like 7 year old powder kegs of snot and energy. every little things sends them tailspinning out of control and they are a lot to handle. i’ve got them racing to the board to slap color flashcards and of course i’m doctoring the game a bit. with every announcement of a color, the classroom breaks into a full out prison riot. kids are screaming and pushing toward the two that run for the board, their teeth are showing and i’m pretty sure they’re yelling “rip his head off!” in japanese. i’m completely out of patience and i’m half hoping one of them shanks the other so we can end the class and go into lockdown.

nothing i tried would allow me to keep the score close. one team was dominating and i’d given up. i couldn’t take the insanity anymore. it occurred to me that i hate kids and everything about them. i just wanted the class to end so i could enjoy some peace and quiet with the 5^th and 6^th graders. and just as i had resolved to make an appointment for a vasectomy, something happened which i’ve never seen before in a japanese classroom.

a boy and a very small girl were at the front of their lines. i knew it was probably a lost cause, but i looked for an easy to remember color that was closer to the little girl’s side. i called out “RED” and sure enough both of them raced to the board with the boy being much quicker than the little girl. they both had their hands up and ready but they weren’t slapping any color cards. the rest of the students were losing their minds (not to mention their voices) screaming violently. i was about to quiet them down so i could repeat the color but they were screaming it repeatedly. then i saw it.

the boy who was first to the blackboard has positioned his hand behind that of the little girl and he was hesitating. not only was he waiting, but he was gently using his forearm against the little girl’s to ever so slightly coax her hand over the red card. he raised his other palm up to feign uncertainty. the other students were beginning to tear at their own flesh while screaming the answer, unable to comprehend how neither of them could understand. then when it seemed that rest of the class was about to set fire to the teacher’s desk, the little boy at the board whispered a suggestion to the little girl without letting the rest of the class notice and she nervously placed her hand down on the card. he followed by resting his hand firmly on top of hers.

i was speechless. dumbfounded! they both looked up at me…the little girl unsure if she was correct and the little boy waiting on me to make it official. it took me a moment before i remembered to award the little girl’s team the point. when i did the class erupted again. the boy’s team grumbling while the little girl’s team applauded her victory. my mouth was agape and my eyes were still on the boy as he pouted and pounded his paw into the palm of his hand in an oscar worthy performance. his teammates were none the wiser. i couldn’t help but be impressed as he shuffled his feet to the end of the line.

faith in humanity: restored

japan disadvantage: i’m not allowed to sleep in the staff...

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 23:39:32 +0900

japan disadvantage: i’m not allowed to sleep in the staff room, but apparently other teachers are…

japanese domestic terrorism it’s horrifying when you see it on...

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:24:00 +0900

oklahoma city bombing

columbine high school shooting

virginia tech shooting

car bomb aftermath

kancho

it's ingrained in popular culture

teachers are often targets

kancho aftermath

japanese domestic terrorism

it’s horrifying when you see it on the news. we always want to believe that this sort of thing doesn’t happen in our own country but then you see the images of the aftermath at a government building or in a quiet suburban town. how could this happen, we wonder. what would cause anyone to do such a thing?

a natural disaster is an easier pill to swallow since we can all accept the unpredictability of mother nature. we say “such is life” and shrug it off. but it seems that when we’re forced to witness the darkest recesses of our own human nature we try to seek refuge and comfort in naming a scapegoat. we blame celebrities, popular culture, the movies and media. we even blame schools and teachers. often it’s the parents who are blamed last. that’s when we have to put a face to the problem and we come inevitably closer to seeing our own image. and rightfully so. after all, aren’t we all to blame?

ever since that first primate threw its feces at another in anger, that violent instinct has lived on in every human being. like it or not, the reality is that this sort of thing happens almost everywhere. it happens in the middle east, africa, europe and america. and it even happens in japan.

today i found myself the victim of one of these senseless acts of cruelty. sadly, it won’t receive much media attention in japan. this country would rather ignore the problem, or worse, deny that it even exists. but it does exist! this kind of thing happens everyday in japan and its citizens barely blink an eye despite it leaving countless innocent victim, like myself, injured and traumatized.

********************************************************************

today started out like any other day. the weather was unseasonably warm for novermber and i was horsing around with some of my junior high students during lunch break. a boy proudly reported to me and all his friends that “scott sensei smells.” while i was pleasantly pleased with the proper pronunciation of his english proclamation, i couldn’t allow this kind of slander to go unchecked. so i went for his neck but he darted away in anticipation of my response. on more than one occasion my students have learned that i can squeeze the life out of them with just one hand or hang them out a 3^rd story window in the blink of an eye. well he might have been quicker but i wasn’t about to let it slide.

schoolyard justice dictates that i take this little bastard down. downtown to chinatown. school is a lot more like prison than we though when we complained as kids. you let another inmate (student) push you around and you look weak. they keep coming at you until it ends badly for someone. you have to send a message loud and clear that you’re no punk. it’s get or get got.

so i waited.

i went back to whatever infantile behavior i was engaged in, pretending to forget, but i kept him in my peripheral. he lingered on the other side of a small railing which gave him the illusion of security as i entertained his cohorts. but these little shit eaters have the attention span of a squirrel and i knew his curiosity would get the better of him. i waited until he wandered just within reach and BAM! i struck with my hand like a rattlesnake.

a direct hit.

however, instead of his arm, i had only managed to get a decent grip on the jacket of his school uniform. now i may be little more than a large child myself but i’m no fool. if my students are bruised, bleeding or broken (and that includes their uniforms), the consequences will be worse for me. inflicting psychological damage and emotional trauma is more my modus operandi. like any helpless rodent his instinct for self-preservation kicked in and he tried to escape. so, in an attempt to get a better grip i leaned over the railing and put a death grip on the little egg sucker”s neck.

“i gotcha!” i hissed, as his body stiffened and his knees buckled. “who smells now you little rat?!?!”

and that’s when it happened.

********************************************************************

i was hit by, what in japan is referred to as “kancho.” for those of you who aren’t familiar with this despicable act, this is how it plays out: a student (usually a boy) makes a hand gesture identical to the pretend gun in those annoying and overdone charlie’s angels poses. they look for a target. it could be another student. it could be their best friend or their worst enemy. and as i learned today, it could also be a teacher. they position themselves behind their mark. if they’re patient, they’ll wait until that mark bends over and then…frightfully…they ram it home! i’ve witnessed this many times during my stay in japan. on several occasions i’ve had to remain alert and either avoide becoming a target or fight off the would be attacker. but today i wasn’t so lucky.

typical of any terrorist attack, it hit without warning and caught me completely by surprise. the details are fuzzy and even now it’s a bit difficult to relive the horror, but i feel my story must be told. i won’t try to describe the sensation. like it or not, i’m sure you can imagine.

********************************************************************

“MOTHER OF PEARL!” i cried out as i lost my grip on the original offender. my body straightened and my back arched as if i had been struck by lightening. i swung around, one hand looking for vengeance and the other clutching my ass for relief. but by now they had all scattered in search of safety. my eyes locked on to the attacker and every one of them stopped frozen in fear. i shot out my fist and pointed at him with a look on my face that was deathly serious. the power of my index finger seemed to knock him back a bit even from 40 feet away. i held my on eyes his, put all my anger into snapping the finger that was pointed his way, and then fired it directly to the ground at my feet. the earth shook and i swear i heard thunder. the defendant lowered his head and walked to me slowly as if he were in chains.

like a puppy threatened with a rolled up newspaper, he buried his head in his shoulders, looked up at me with sad eyes and muttered, “i’m sorry” in his best english. it was enough to melt even the coldest heart. i pulled back the daggers in my eyes, softened my gaze and gently put a hand on his shoulder. then i grabbed him by the waste and flipped him upside down taking grip of his ankles. i was judge, jury and executioner and i may have been bleeding from my asshole so i wasn’t going to let him off that easily.

his friends began to giggle again as he screamed for help and mercy but i wasn’t having it. at this moment one of the teachers who speaks english was coming toward me and in an alarmed voice asked what i was doing. without loosening my grip i uttered the only word that i felt might offer any kind of explanation for my actions: “KANCHO!” with that the teacher stopped short next to my struggling prisoner, looked down at him and spanked him on the ass. she then looked at me and said pleasantly, “please continue.”

********************************************************************

i would have liked to exact my revenge on him in the same fashion he executed the crime, but i bet it would raise more than a few eyebrows if an adult did the same to a student. suffice it to say, i made sure he and other students won’t try that again on me. let’s just say i sent a message and the kid receiving it could be heard loud and clear across the schoolyard.

i’m sharing this, not because of my personal triumph, but to raise awareness. this kind of thing does happen and it can happen anytime and anywhere. i’ve witnessed it firsthand (pun intended). it’s difficult to be prepared but we can educate. we should all do our part to promote kindness instead of violence. even the smallest effort can help make this world a safer place for our backsides. we need to think globally and act locally.

god my ass is sore

6 month mark i’ve been in japan for half a year now and it’s the...

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 21:22:00 +0900

futon (obnoxious girl not included)

my baby

inaka - rice harvest

inaka - rice harvest

inaka - rice harvest

stuffed in kuro-chan (little blackie)

too gross to eat

sunset off shiundeyama

watermelon-only $38.88 (hand for scale)

sunset off nio beach

6 month mark

i’ve been in japan for half a year now and it’s the longest i’ve ever spent away from home without even a short visit back.

some observations:

my bed: ladies and gentleman…the japanese futon. it’s different from what we call a futon in america. here they’re thin and narrow. they aren’t usually housed on any type of frame, nor do they fold into a couch. they are most often laid on a floor and they don’t offer a lot in the way of comfort. mine resides on a raised loft built into my one-room apartment. it’s more obtrusive than anything and wastes what little space i have. to be honest, i can’t understand why they are so common. maybe it’s because the japanese are smaller. afterall, the average japanese man is 5’7”. i’m 6’2”. i rarely sleep through the night without waking up in some sort of pain. despite having two futons piled atop one another, i still feel like i have bed sores if i stay in one position for too long. after six months i broke down and bought a couch that flattens out. in all likelihood, it’s probably going to act as my bed as well. it has become apparent to me why japan’s birth rate is continually dropping. no one wants to lie down!

inaka: i came to japan from the biggest city in america. i had everything imaginable often within a few blocks. now i live in what the japanese refer to as “inaka”…the country. i certainly don’t live in the smallest town in japan. it’s actually quite well developed but it’s still the country. there isn’t a wealth of restaurants, bars and shops within walking distance, a benefit to which i became accustomed in nyc. here i have to drive to do everything. my car has become a necessity rather than a luxury, something i quite miss. while the area i live in is beautiful and the people are fantastic, i am still very homesick for city living, a feeling i don’t expect will change anytime soon.

the food: the food remains scary at times and there are some things i can’t force myself to like. having lived in italy, japanese food doesn’t even compare, however much of the food is pretty good. in particular, i’m quite fond of japanese snacks. they do junk food really well and i’ve developed a bit of a sweet tooth since i arrived. the normal japanese cuisine is quite tasty as well and, not surprisingly, the best meals i have are when i’m with japanese friends who do the ordering. in general i’ve always been a fan of japanese food and now i have a more authentic knowledge of it, but my love is limited by two major problems.

problem the first: portions and pricing. all the food here is small and expensive whether you’re at a grocery store or a restaurant. of course you can make/order and eat more but you’re going to pay for it and it’ll leave a significant dent in your wallet. western foods are particularly expensive and produce is outrageously priced. one apple at my local supermarket is $1.27 (98¥) and i pay $2.05 (158¥) for one undersized red bell pepper. and a pitifully small watermelon hauls in a price of…wait for it…$26-$39 (2000¥-3000¥)! needless to say, i haven’t had an apple or watermelon since coming to japan. food is more expensive here in the sticks than it is in new york. it makes eating healthy very difficult. i’ve lost ten pounds that i didn’t want to lose since i arrived and i’m doing everything i can to keep from losing anymore.

problem the second: very simply put…it’s japanese food. imagine going to a japanese restaurant every single day. “what should we have tonight? how about japanese food? oh wait, let’s have japanese.” I’M FUCKING SICK OF IT!!! the minute i return to nyc i’m running a hotdog and taco train on my own mouth. mmm food porn.

my car: kuro-chan (little blackie) doesn’t hold a special place in my heart like my baby back home. i don’t yearn for a relaxing joyride like i did in the states. although manual transmissions are nonexistent in japan, i’m still compelled to reach for the clutch every time i go to start her up. i must admit that driving on the left side of the road isn’t terribly difficult to get used to, but that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous.

equally laughable is my propensity to climb into the left side of the vehicle only to find that the steering wheel isn’t there. this happens about once a week, much to the amusement of the jumpsuit-clad gas station attendants who do everything in their power to keep from laughing as they bow and thank me for coming. after suddenly realizing that i just threw myself leg first into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut after me, i’m too embarrassing to climb back out and walk around since kuro-chan is comically small and it looks like a clown car when i emerge. no, instead i frantically fiddle with whatever i can find, or i furrow my brow as i pretend to scrutinize it intently, so as to make it seem as though my strange behavior was purposeful and premeditated. i swear i can hear the abrasive sound of air escaping up into the nose of the one of the attendants whose cheeks are inflated with the laughter they’re holding back.

then i shamefully shimmy my way over, hoping that my onlookers are none the wiser. the perfect crime! that is, until i’m about to drive off and i slide my left hand down the wheel to hit the left turn signal only to send the windshield wipers into full-speed. at this point a quick peek at my rearview reveals the attendants rolling on the ground in hysterics. likewise, i seem to always signal a turn when my windshield becomes too wet. i have no excuse since it rains here nearly everyday and i’ve had plenty of practice with both. the simple fact is, even after six months, it just doesn’t feel natural, much like most things about japan.

sunset: if i’ve painted a negative picture, it’s hardly fair. by no means is it awful here. there are a lot of wonderful things, many of which i’m sure to miss someday, but i have to leave all the puppy dogs and ice cream posts for facebook and the average blogger’s boring banality. however, there is one thing that i marvel at often and can’t help but include here. the sunsets here are, for lack of a less clichéd term, breathtaking. japan is the land of the rising sun and i’ve certainly seen some beautiful sunrises, but i’m constantly amazed at how beautiful the sunsets have been. i don’t know if it’s just my town or japan as a whole, but never in my life have i been in a place where the sunset is so captivating on an almost daily basis.

i live on a mountainous westward-pointing peninsula of an island that faces japan’s seto inland sea. on any given day, the sunset paints the sky with colors that run the gamut from pastels to deeper darker colors. i’ve pulled over on the road, slowed my pace while running and taken a break from swimming just to admire the view. every day it’s different and it never gets old.

a great deal of my time in japan is spent in discomfort. i’m constantly battling culture shock and homesickness. culture shock doesn’t stop being shocking. you get used to some things while other things reveal themselves with time. but i’m a westerner and everything i’ve come to think of, over thirty some odd years, as the norm is different or non-existent and always will be. as for homesickness, it’s not something you recover from. it’s more like the common cold. it’s the same ailment that repackages itself in a different form and finds its way inside you. for a while you feel okay and then you catch it when you least expect it.

i caught it the other day thinking about my favorite time of year. it’s when the weather gets cool enough to throw on your favorite hoodie and a pair of jeans. you get to say goodbye to the sweltering days of summer and welcome in a milder season. and there is always that smell in the air. i don’t know how to describe it, but there is that smell for a couple weeks, even before the leaves start to change, that is unmistakably Autumn. it’s one of my favorite things. for me it’s a rebirth…things change. it always makes me nostalgic for the way i used to feel at the start of a new school year. it reminds me of the way the air smelled during some of my best memories year after year. beer tastes better…hot food is back in fashion…it makes me feel good…i love that smell! only, here in japan, it smelled a little different.

it was a bit of a disappointment. i caught that cold again. later when i arrived back at my place, i waited and watched the sunset. it was beautiful as always. i was thinking about the smell in the air. i felt like i might be missing out. like a scene from some cheesy movie, i imagined a montage of some of my friends bedrooms getting brighter as the sun rose. i had never calculated it before, but it occurred to me that the same sun that i was watching duck under the horizon here in japan was probably just making it’s first appearance back home in philly, dc and new york. i thought about what the air smelled like there. for a second i felt a little closer to home. one day i’m going to smell that smell again and i’m looking forward to being nostalgic for the sunset in japan.

"There are certain times in your life when I guess you’re not supposed to have..."

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 21:10:00 +0900

“There are certain times in your life when I guess you’re not supposed to have anyone…certain doors you gotta go through alone.”

- - Joe Versus the Volcano

japanese boys are always sick in the summer time. they don’t...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 00:03:00 +0900

Asst. Principal Stephen Frederick

11th grade - sweet mushroom hair

matt looking creepy w/ uchiwa

johnny in a dress w/ sensu

matt w/ towel and beer

sweating in school w/ uchiwa

matt and little old man w/ headbands

typhoon #1112 weather radar

japanese boys are always sick in the summer time.

they don’t air condition the schools here. sometimes the teachers’ room will have air conditioning but they don’t often turn it on. the reason they’re apprehensive of using the AC in the teachers’ room is that it inevitably attracts a gang of smartass boys between classes. they come in complaining of being ill so they can have the opportunity to sit in the somewhat cooler air for a few minutes until they are deemed well enough to suffer further with the rest. each one of them comes in and dives for a chair claiming to be sick. each one is then entitled to their own thermometer to test the validity of their claims. they sit huddled together racing to raise the temperature of there respective thermometers by rubbing them vigorously with their thumbs…out in the open of course. there is no attempt to conceal their shenanigans or even convincingly play sick.

when i was in high school i didn’t have to play sick. although it didn’t happen very often, when i wasn’t well enough to go to school i would just tell my mother and she would commiserate immediately. maybe she trusted me. maybe she was just too tired to fight me on it after years of pretending and poor performances on the part of my three playacting predecessors, personified by my older siblings.

no, i would be granted the day off with noted disapproval. but as i said, it didn’t happen often. that’s because i would always get the exact same note written each and every time. and when i say exact, i mean right down to the letter. it started to become embarrassing…

“Scott was (absent from/late for) school on (date) due to a stomach virus.”

i could have my leg amputated and i’d still get the same note. whether my absence/tardiness was due to a bona fide illness (not likely) or from my friends and i mixing several assorted airport bottles of liquor with bong hits the night before (probably), i was always nervous to hand over the note which the office lady had seen exactly as many times as she’d seen me. i feared that the school suspected me of having the ability to forge my mother’s handwriting in only those specific words…or just a weak stomach.

those fears were substantiated when, one day late in my junior year, i was summoned to the office to speak with Assistant Principal Stephen Frederick (pictured above). my absences that year, which included a rather lengthy suspension for use of a controlled substance, had put me dangerously close to not meeting the minimum required amount of school days in attendance to be certified as “educated enough.” i remember it clearly as he said mockingly, “one or two more, ahem, stomach viruses, Mr. Kollar, and you won’t be able to graduate,” as he slowly shuffled a pile of my mother’s notes from a file folder.

i don’t know where i was going with that. anyway, the heat in japan…to say it’s hot as balls wouldn’t do it justice and it’s just downright crude. no…here…it’s so hot, you could wrap your balls around a cow’s neck. i know back home there was an intense heat wave this summer that had temperatures in the 100s, but it’s nothing compared to a japanese summer. to be honest, the highest temperature i’ve seen here all summer barely broke 90, but the humidity here is worse than any other place i’ve been.

showers are useless. i’m drenched in sweat before i even begin teaching a lesson and it just gets worse once i do. thanks to the lovely humidity, there is no drying off either. my clothes and i are wet until i take them off in late afternoon. it’s been like that since early May and i’ve been assured i can look forward to it well into October. they’ve actually developed a separate system of measurement just for japan that allows for 167% humidity. it’s true. it’s science.

it’s a miracle that the schools have off for the month of August or i would have come home by now. my junior high school just held an opening ceremony on September 1^st to welcome the students back for their second term. during the assembly, not one but two children passed out from the heat. i actually saw the second one fall. it’s a good thing most of these kids have thick skulls because he went down like a sack of potatoes. they had to be carried out by teachers. i mentioned to one of the japanese teachers that it’s cruel to make students endure this. she quickly responded that students today have it easier than in her time, when they didn’t get any time off in the summer. i was quick to respond that, likewise, it seems that teachers have it easier now too…a comment that didn’t improve my popularity. she also went on to mention that this summer has been much milder than normal…a claim that has been confirmed by numerous others as well.

as if the heat weren’t enough, the better part of the summer is also the rainy season. it rains…a lot. so it’s not just a clever name. it wouldn’t be complete without typhoons. there are so many of them that they don’t bother naming them like we do hurricanes. they just give them numbers. the last one to roar through was typhoon #1112 and as luck would have it, my town was right in it’s path. school was still in session though. i think the roof has to be ripped off the building for them to cancel school. it wasn’t until it was declared a state of emergency that they finally sent the elementary students home for fear they might get blown away by the wind. the junior high kids weren’t as lucky, that is, until a couple hours later when the threat level was escalated. this time it was the teachers who were left behind. we all had to finish out our day in the teachers room as they sealed off all the giant steel doors that protect the school.

the japanese are very proud of their seasons. they refuse to believe that any other place in the world enjoys four season as japan does. photographic evidence doesn’t convince them. instead they’re offended by the claim. i first arrived here at the end of winter. spring lasted a week and a half and otherwise it went from freezing to sweltering. i don’t have the heart to tell them they barely have four seasons, but rather two, each with a short intermission. i hate to say it, but i can’t wait for the weather to get cooler. although, if autumn is anything like spring it’ll be a disappointment and i hear the winters are brutally cold.

oh, they don’t heat the schools either so stay tuned for my complaints once i get what i wished for…

the little things...

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 23:12:00 +0900

***editors note: the highlighted items below contain links to visual references. please click on them.***

reflecting upon my stay abroad in italy, i recall that ITALIAN BEERS don’t tend to be typically too tasty. that fact was offset by the variety of delicious european beers that were readily available. the proximity of italy to its european neighbors kept the prices, not only reasonable, but downright cheap.

i distinctly remember an autumn italian afternoon, years ago, which found me and a couple of my compatriots fumbling on foot through a new route back to our apartment. in passing, we noticed a local watering hole that advertised Heineken bottles at the equivalent of 75¢ each. jackpot! you don’t pass that up. we went in and gave it a try and quickly professed this to be our new local hangout. as it turns out, we soon realized that it was a TRANNY BAR. but hey…75¢ beers!

japan isn’t proximate to anything. be that as it may, one of the things i quickly came to appreciate in japan is that the beer is decent. the same brands of japanese beer that are readily available in the US are the most popular brands here as well….ASAHI, KIRIN and my personal favorite, SAPPORO. so at least the domestic brew should command a modest price, right? wrong.

a six pack of beer in japan costs $15 or more. there is absolutely no discount for buying in bulk either. a case costs roughly $60. and i’m not talking about the fancy stuff. japan taxes beer at such a ridiculous rate that you can buy an entire bottle of liquor for almost the same price as a six pack. evidently the tax is on anything with a certain percentage of malt. and as luck would have it, the amount needed to make beer falls in that tax bracket.

to counter this “taxation without consideration,” the japanese have come up with an answer…fake beer. not JOKE BOOZE which they’ve got plenty of, but actual fake beer. they call it HAPPOSHU. it’s got alcohol. they put beer flavoring in it and it come in beer cans, but it’s not beer. this becomes apparent the next day when you feel the hangover which ironically is painfully real. it’s hard to believe the germans ever made a DEAL with these people.

fear not friends! i may not have much in the way of virtues at this point in my life but i have managed hold on to a shred of dignity, a pinch of integrity and an ounce or two of pride. i wouldn’t be caught dead drinking that swill. i leave that to my BRITISH FRIENDS.

in japan i don’t have a couch to relax on. i’ve got a fridge that i could pick up and carry around. and if it had the space, i couldn’t afford more than a couple beers at a time. they’re an expensive treat. what’s more is that i live in a place where you have to drive to do just about anything. truth be told, back in the states i’ve had a drink or two before taking a short drive. who hasn’t? here, the penalties for driving with even the slightest amount of alcohol in your system are extremely severe. it’s not even remotely an option, so if i decide to have a beer at home after a long day i have to be sure i’m not going anywhere or doing anything that requires me to drive.

my apartment in new york had a full-sized fridge. at any given moment, i had four or five different kinds of beer in there. this included a case of YUENGLING PREMIUM cans (delicious) which i would stock up on at $13 a case during trips back to pennsylvania. it was there if i entertained guest. it was there if i wanted to have a drink before going out and it was there if i just wanted to sit back and have a beer with my feet up on the couch.

this is one of those things that makes me miss home so much. it’s not just about the beer. it’s about the whole ritual…the amenity…the comfort it provided. it’s something i took for granted. it’s something so simple that it’s impossible to know you take it for granted. it’s almost impossible not to take it for granted. it may sound crazy but it’s something that i enjoyed so much and miss so terribly that it’s enough to make me want to come back home.

but i won’t.

i’m certain however that i’ll appreciate it that much more when i do.

my date with madame fuji… what do you do if you live in...

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 02:43:00 +0900

sengen shrine

that's me at the edge of Her mouth

my date with madame fuji…

what do you do if you live in japan? if you’re me, the answer is, “duck!” in the short time i’ve been here, i’ve hit my head on doors, shelves and ceilings more times than i can remember. even after a short break in my own bathroom, any feelings of relief are quickly negated as i ram my head into the door jam on the way out. nothing is taller than me here. nothing, that is, except for Fuji-San. that’s what they call Mt. Fuji here. it’s so respected as a symbol of japan that they refer to it honorifically as Ms. Fuji. That’s right She’s a girl. and, if you’ll pardon my japanese, She’s a miserable whore!

She’s not one of the tallest mountains in the world, measuring in at a humble 3,776 meters (12,388 feet) but the difference is, Her climb starts fairly close to sea level as compared our planet’s more prominent peaks where the climbs starts at much higher elevations. She’s known to be shy. She hides under cloud cover most of the time, offering unblemished views of Her peak only briefly before hiding away again. She’s extremely wide, so the climb starts out gradually, getting steeper the closer you get to the top, making Her seem very respectable. She’s not the kind of girl who just gives it away. She makes you work for it. Or does She?

most people that brave the climb to Fuji’s peak (including the men and women in the u.s armed forces and the elderly) start at the 5^th station (base, if you will). this is roughly half way to the top. amateurs! they take a leisurely bus ride to a small tourist trap where they can buy an unnecessary walking stick and a t-shirt. at that point, they can begin their accent from just above the tree line. it’s by no means an easy task, but you would think that the military would do a better job of separating the men (and women) from the old and decrepit. not so.

my friends and i were up for an even bigger challenge. we decided to begin our climb from the shrine at the bottom. truth be told, we began our courtship of Lady Fuji by admiring her from afar, starting our hike from the town a couple miles away. since the temperature and weather varies as you climb (She’s also moody), we had to take enough gear to cover any contingencies. that means the hotter it is, the more crap you carry on your back. the nice thing about climbing from the beginning is that you get to enjoy the forested area and the shade it provides. there are hundreds of giant logs laid out along the way to help mitigate erosion, which act like huge steps, making it a bit like an obstacle course. it was hot and humid and She got more and more miserable with every base She let me reach…and that wouldn’t be the first time.

the problem with this climb…one of the problems anyway…is that it’s almost impossible to stay together as a group. everyone has their own pace and for those who move a little faster, to continuously stop and wait causes you to become even more exhausted. so anyone who decides to get this girl does it alone. also there aren’t many people below the tree line, so She’s devious as well. She’d have you believe that She remains chaste and that you’re the only one. that said, the bases serve as good checkpoints to regroup, reenergize and most importantly, rehydrate.

proper hydration proves to be a bit of an art form. there are no places to find water between the shrine and the 5^th station, so one has to balance, not only how much they consume, but also how much they carry without weighing themselves down even more throughout the hike.

after several hours of hiking, torrential rain and shear exhaustion, She finally let me get to 5^th base! it turns out there are two of them though. this being the one that the real adventurers happen upon as they climb before reaching the novice (military/elderly) portion; it was located just under the tree line and a few hundred meters below the aforementioned milestone. 5^th base wasn’t what i expected though. it was little more than a small trailer-sized house/restaurant where we had a chance to eat some lunch and add some layers before continuing. at this point you start to feel the altitude a bit and the weather quickly changes from hot and humid to cold and rainy. apparently She gets a bit frigid as you zero in on Her peak. a word to the wise though…wear protection when climbing a girl like this!

once i lifted my way up Her lush and flowery dress to get a feel for Her mountainous landscape, i saw Her for what She really is…a big, dried-out, dusty, old mound that probably hasn’t erupted in years. everyone and their mother (literally) are climbing around on Her. at any given moment there are hundreds of families celebrating someone’s first time, as well as dozens of G.I.s all taking their turn and trying to leave their mark on Her.

the climb from the 5^th station is anything but thrilling. a single trail zigzags its way up a mountain of nothing but black and orange volcanic dust and rock. despite your efforts, you climb for hours with little progress and this girl’s peak is NOWHERE in sight. eight hours into our climb we reached a mountain hut and decided to take a rest. hey, even the most virile climber needs a break now and again. as would be expected, if you want a room, that costs extra…and you only get it for a few hours! up again at 1AM to continue our climb so we can reach Her climax by sunrise. but by now a line has formed and you’ve got to contend with every other johnny-come-lately or you might as well not come at all. as it turns out, there are about 10 bases to reach. i never knew there were so many. i’m still not even sure what the first three bases are!

it was supposed to take another three hours of maneuvering to find Her sweet spot but i was determined to get there before sunrise, so i came up with a few new moves and did it in just under 2 ½. what can i say…i was anxious. when i see a piece of trail that looks good, i go for it!

all negativity aside, reaching the top was quite a rush. the sunrise was breathtaking. i have to admit, when all my hard work and determination came to a pinnacle, my eyes glazed over a bit, i got dizzy, felt a little euphoric and probably made a few funny faces that can only be the result of post-climber bliss. this was soon followed by the munchies and a strong urge to take a nap. but what conquest would be complete without snapping a few photos first? we took pictures of each other on top of Her. we took group photos on top of Her. we even took pictures with other people on top of Her, some old, some young, some in costumes, and some wearing almost nothing at all.

i never came to japan with the goal of climbing Fuji, but when the opportunity presented itself i decided to try Her out. however, had i known then what i know now, i probably wouldn’t do Her at all. after years of hearing stories of conquest, tall tails from other boys and general locker room braggadocio, i felt a little let down. i didn’t feel like more of a man. there was no beautiful music or urge to smoke a cigarette…just a bunch of sweaty old guys hanging around the top looking at me as if to say, “first time, eh kid?” She was expensive. She left me chafed, sore and feeling unclean since hundreds of others had a turn at Her. and to add insult to injury, none of them engaged in all the foreplay that i put in just to get a peek at Her peak or throw a couple rocks into Her mouth.

i felt disillusioned. but hey, i was out there fighting the good fight and got it out of the way. i think from now on though, i’m not going to go all the way up a mountain unless it means a little more to me. i’d prefer to get to know her a bit and see if she’s really got what i’m looking for in a mountain. you know, i want it to be special…for both of us.

marco polo and novocain everyone wants to know what it’s like...

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 00:25:00 +0900

marco polo and novocain

everyone wants to know what it’s like living in japan. while thinking about my newborn niece it occurred to me that being in japan is much like being a baby. it’s a lot like being relatively deaf, completely dumb and very nearsighted. i know there are people around me but i’m unable to reach them. it’s like playing marco polo in the pool as a kid, where i’m the one calling “MARCO!” and waiting for a response, except this time i’m also the “fish out of water!” [for those of you deprived of a proper childhood, please refer to this link]

like a baby, everything is new to me and i don’t understand a thing. at the supermarket everything is alien. i search for things that look appetizing and familiar…lettuce, tomatoes, onions, chicken, pork, beef…large breasts! fine, i suppose a carton of milk will suffice (besides, milk is much easier to find in japan). packaged foods are not an option since i can’t read them, which is a great benefit to my health. whole foods are where it’s at. i can see them and touch them and most of them don’t require me to be literate (boobs are not included in this category because i’m unable to touch them as freely as i’d like).

there are people all around. i can see them and they can see me. but since they don’t speak babynese they just look at me, heads tilted to the side wondering why i’m making so much noise, while they rattle off noises of their own that are equally as perplexing. what does he want? is he hungry? yes! does he need a nap? yes! does he need to be changed? probably! aw, poor thing. let’s just smile at him and maybe he’ll stop. wrong! the problem is that my needs aren’t as basic as just being fed, burped and having my ass powdered. as for that last one…i am certainly open to new things. however, the bum wash on my apartment’s fancy toilet is a great help in that capacity.

it’s unbelievably difficult to express just about anything in babynese and i certainly don’t speak big personese beyond a few confusing and mostly indecipherable ooohs and aaaahs. it leaves me so frustrated that i want to resort to crying in an attempt to get sympathetic attention. this frustration reached a boiling point last week when i had a little dental emergency.

while eating breakfast, i broke a tooth in half and swallowed it. apparently i’m teething now too! forget that it was difficult to find a dentist and set up an appointment, but once there, it seemed really strange that mr. dentist proceeded to drill out and grind away what was left of my tooth without administering novocain. it took everything i had in me not to cry in front of the beautiful hygienist operating the drool vacuum as i white-knuckled the chair and became soaked with my own sweat (possibly urine). it was absolute torture. i can’t remember clearly, but it’s possible that i gave up some national secrets…and i definitely told them the pin number to my dad’s ATM card to get them to stop. sorry pop, your $14 is no longer secure. i didn’t know you had to ASK for novocain! even less was my knowledge on HOW to ask for novocain! who doesn’t give novocain? i’ve never not had novocain. alright, i’ll stop saying novacain.

the point is, living in japan feels like being a helpless baby. i’m often frightened and confused and unable to express myself when i’m hugry, soil myself, or need something. and like a baby, a nipple being shoved into my mouth at any point might actually appease me. but let’s face it, they aren’t exactly being thrown my way. i digress.

as i’ve said before, it will be an entirely different experience when i’m able to communicate more meaningfully than, “i like banana” and “where is the toilet.” from students’ questions, i did learn early on how to say, “i’m single.” but no ones else seems to care. i am taking steps to learn. mostly self study. i can’t wait to replace overly used sentences like, “i’m sorry, i don’t understand” with just about ANYTHING more self-serving like, “where are the adult diapers,” or “can a brotha get a nipple or what?!”

novocain

many girls want to be carnal with me… because i’m...

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 00:51:00 +0900

many girls want to be carnal with me… because i’m such a premium dancer!

(click on the picture)

track suits are all the rage here in japan. if they have a well known label on them like adidas or puma, they are in fact the cat’s pajamas. most of my teachers wear them regularly in school and a lot of people sport them outside of work. they call them “jyaji.” i just received my volleyball team jyaji today and all signs point to AWESOME! i’m never taking it off. next up is a career in porn. i just need to start smoking winstons and work on my mustache.

fun with video… not exactly sure what it was, but it was...

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 20:06:00 +0900

fun with video…

not exactly sure what it was, but it was mainly daikon radish with fish flakes…piping hot and served at a local watering hole

Samba em Prelúdio always nice to see a familiar face in...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 21:53:12 +0900

Samba em Prelúdio

always nice to see a familiar face in japan…especially one with such a lovely voice. check out Chieko Honda on myspace and drop in for one of her shows in new york. you won’t be disappointed.

Hyper M it’s been a while since i posted, leaving many to...

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 00:02:00 +0900

Hyper M

Team Happy Day Climax

Hyper M dinner party

teammate passed out at the restaurant

Hyper M karaoke after-party

Hyper M

it’s been a while since i posted, leaving many to believe that the most significant thing to happen to me in the last few weeks has been my virgin run at the japanese style squat toilet. well to those i say, “damn right!” it’s no small matter when you’re used to the luxury of sitting and shitting…enjoying some reading material or catching up on all your cell phone has to offer. my friend nick over in Iwakuni is still losing sleep, feverishly worrying about what to do when the day hits and nature calls without wanting to leave a message. poor guy’s a nervous wreck. but i digress…

a major reason for my recent radio silence…not to mention a major shift in mood is due in part to an equally proportional increase in the girth of my social circle. after a locally sponsored day trip to a nearby island to promote international exchange, a few friends (foreign teachers like myself) made nice with several japanese contemporaries. and i couldn’t be happier. when i lived in italy a decade ago, my only regret was that my friends there didn’t spend enough time mixing it up with the locals and getting a more authentic italian experience.

after i expressed interest, one of my new friends invited me out to play on her volleyball team. yours truly is the newest, least japanese, as well as least talented and not surprisingly the tallest member of the Hyper M volleyball team (pictured above). i’m pretty excited about it. it’s an adult team that practices once a week at a local gymnasium. they’re a fun group of people ranging in age from late 20s to mid 40s. some of the older members have been friends since elementary school.

i made my debut this past weekend in a 30-and-over tournament held at a local junior high school gym. there was just one catch. the tournament rules stated that any four male team members’ (i was careful not to say “male members.” oops!) AGES had to add up to be 160. simple math aside, i had to pretend to be 40 all day. 40! it’s not that i find this age distasteful in any way, but practically every week i teach a new class or grade for the first time. when the students get to ask me questions, without exception, one of the first is always about how old i am. when i respond by writing “32” on the board, they go berserk and make sounds of disbelief. remember how old 23 seemed when you were in grade school? well 32 seems to cause more shock than they can endure. it’s starting to give me a complex. so here i am this weekend, already looked at like a freak because of my height and i have to claim to be 40. great. there was clearly some suspicion. i think some of the teams looked at the only foreigner/giant as a ringer, so several older women inquired about my age. not wanting to answer untruthfully (i let my teammates do that), i quickly responded by asking the same question back to the women…a question that is fairly impolite here in japan, but it did the trick and got them to back off.

the tournament was fun and i played well. the most notable thing about it was not the games or the outcome (my team lost all four best-of-3 matches), but the team names. teams from all over the prefecture of Kagawa and some from elsewhere came out to participate. a small few had burly names such as Team Samurai and Black Dragon, while others boasted slightly less intimidating monikers such as Peaches, Happy Smile, Ladies, Happy Day Climax (pictured above), Amigo, Wins, Dream, and my personal favorite…Water. the M in our team name is the first initial of our captain’s name. i don’t really know why they combined it with Hyper though, as she’s fairly calm as far as i can tell.

the best thing about my team is that they like to have a group outing every two weeks or after a tournament like this past weekend. there aren’t really a lot of proper pubs in most of japan. instead people get together at a place called an izakaya where they eat and drink together, usually kneeling around a low table. my team doesn’t mess around when it comes to this. they do it up right!. despite it being a sunday night, some of us even had the strength for a little karaoke after-party where, the night wasn’t complete until i got my purple rain on!

so yeah…in short…i’m enjoying myself…

"The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not..."

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 22:05:00 +0900

“

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

”

-

Oohama, Takuma, Kagawa, Japan

some views of where i live…

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 18:45:00 +0900

some views of where i live…